Ten things we all do when watching the Olympics

1. Have a sudden interest in a sport you haven't followed since the last Olympics

"Ohhh wow, fencing is on! I love fencing - it's like the three musketeers!" No it isn't. There's no blood, they wear protection, and rather than drawn out swash-buckling action the aim is to be quick and precise. That being said, the sports that you neglected for four years do actually end up being pretty exciting once you sit down and get into it, it's just a shame that once the athletic track events roll around you've already forgotten that practically blind archer who you babbled to your friends about for a solid fifteen minutes.

2. Get behind athletes who you don't know anything about but happen to be representing your country

There are the big names that you've seen in the countless articles and advertisements in the lead up to the games, but you have to be really dedicated to know every member of your country's team. Maybe some people are, maybe they aren't, but it doesn't stop the small rush of excitement when you realise that yes, someone from your country is actually in this event. You may not have known we even had any good swimmers, or that the volleyball captain came from the town you passed through that one time way back when, but by god you'll be shouting what you think their name is when the pistol fires. Of course, if you are lucky enough to remember their name long enough after the event to appear knowledgeable to the next person you see, that's an added bonus.

3. Complain that a sport doesn't deserve to be in the Olympics

"Pshhh, synchronised swimming? Diving? Oh, come on, no way is shooting a sport!" Actually, you're wrong. Whether or not you give credence to a particular event doesn't make it any less impressive that the athletes taking part are the cream of the crop; the best in the world. Just because you managed to do a sweet somersault off your friend's diving board last summer does not mean that you can equate it to the level of diving at the Olympic games. The real reason you're upset? Because Ultimate Frisbee isn't an Olympic sport. You were SO good at that in college! What about beer pong?!

4. Get really confused by the rules and scoring systems

Gymnastics, archery, diving, handball, equestrian events - the minute you actually get your head around how the sport works or how it's scored, the events are over and whatshisname has won the gold even though you were pretty sure whoshisface did better. The terminology used in some of the events is ridiculous, especially as you could describe what that gymnast did as a super-duper-flip and feel much more confident that your colleagues would know what you were talking about.


5. Find gymnastics really awkward to watch

For all the female gymnasts who are in their young teens, you are amazed at their talent. For all the female gymnasts who are over eighteen, you are amazed at their talent but also quite happy that they're prancing around in make-up and leotards. It doesn't take away from the fact that they're awesome athletes; I'm sure they'd like to be known as attractive as well as Olympians. But good lord, you have to wait for the commentator to let you know how old that girl doing the splits is before you can decide which group they fall under.


6. Oppose an athlete for no real reason other than country or looks

"What's this? Germany in the final? Urgh, as long as we beat them and that really scary looking Serbian we're fine" Just because the Olympics is one of the best examples of what great things can come from the unification of cultures, doesn't mean we just give up our prejudices. Forget how hard that athlete must have worked to even qualify for this event - my country has a history with their country and that dictates how I react to their success. France may have some talented swimmers getting gold medals, but we still remember that they have a funny accent. Hmph.


7. Create memes based on Olympic events

Saw an athlete make a funny face or witnessed an unexpected win or loss? Better make sure a meme is made about it.

8. Get into heated arguments about the opening ceremony

"I don't get it? Oh please, why is THAT artist performing? Christ, how many countries are there? Can't they just do the USA and Great Britain first and put everyone else under Europe and rest of world?"

9. For some reason give a crap about an athlete's background

Somehow, knowing that the gymnast has an estranged relationship with her father, the archer originally wanted to be a geologist, or the wrestler went to the same boarding school as the British Prime Minister is suddenly key information and something to be brought up at the dinner table whenever someone notes how impressed they were with said sportsman.


10. Become increasingly depressed about not taking P.E. more seriously

We all know it's true, we could have been at that Olympics, and you know we would have been making shout-outs to all our homies when the camera pans around to us. Maybe it isn't too late - you were pretty fast when you had to catch that train the other day. Oh, and your grandma always says how strong you are lifting those boxes - I bet you could lift 145kg no sweat. How hard can water-polo be really? That's it, I'm training for Rio 2016 - I'm sure I can fit a training regimen around work, a social-life and playing through Diablo III and....what? I need to cut out carbs? Well...maybe I'll just force my future children to live out my newly discovered dreams for me.